


Odd Ones Out

by Mattecat



Category: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:36:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21852307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mattecat/pseuds/Mattecat
Summary: Bonding activities with your friends from alternate dimensions, such as stealing cars and driving them to the beach in the middle of winter.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	Odd Ones Out

**Author's Note:**

> hi I wrote this months ago for something that didn't end up panning out so here it is for everyone to read on my ao3 page. have fun!

"Remember, kid," Ham said, digging through the pile of coats, "stealing is wrong, I'm a horrible influence, and don't tell Noir we yoinked a car."

Peni rolled her eyes. "What do you mean, 'yoinked?'"

Ham burrowed his pig snout deeper. "Nabbed. Filched. Pilfered. Liberated! I like that one. We'll just tell him it's mine."

It was surprising no one had caught them; this was a very fancy party, after all, and even with the security camera Peni had disabled, it felt odd to leave the coat check unsupervised. Peni fiddled with the remote she had built and looked around. Surely someone would've noticed a teenage girl and a pig in a spider-suit, out of place among the older, human partygoers. Her spider chirped agreement in her mind.

"We're not from this dimension," she said to Ham. "He's not going to believe you own a car here."

Ham was unbothered. "I'll tell him I brought it with me! It's a clown car, fits in my pocket!"

"That's not –"

Peni was interrupted by Ham's gasp. "Ooh, these look nice!"

He popped out of the pile, holding a sleek set of car keys. "Good job being the lookout!" he said. "Let's roll!"

After bailing from the party, they spent a good fifteen minutes trying to find the car the keys belonged to. Ham grumbled to himself as he pressed the lock and unlock buttons over and over. "C'mon, are we out of range? What's going on here?"

"Let me try," Peni said.

Ham shrugged. "Alright," he said, handing them up to her. "Just don't press the –"

Peni pressed the alarm button.

"Y'know," Ham said, as beeping filled the air, "those alarms are supposed to be for catching car thieves."

"Then it's a good thing we didn't steal the car you had in your pocket," Peni said. "Remember your alibi!"

They found the car, which was when Ham revealed he didn't know how to drive. Peni shrugged and took the wheel to drive back to Noir.

* * *

Noir had a feeling Ham didn't bring the car with him, but the pig had done weirder. Even if it was stolen, it wouldn't do good to snitch, so he nodded along with Ham's explanation and took the keys offered to him.

"Where're we heading?" he asked, trying and failing to put the keys in. There didn't seem to be a slot for them; how was he supposed to turn the car on?

"Press that button," Peni said, pointing from the passenger's seat. Noir pressed the button and the car turned on.

"Huh," he said. "That's new."

"It detects when the key is in the car," Peni said. "Do you know how to drive this?"

"Of course I know how to drive."

"But can you drive this car, specifically?"

"Can't be that different from cars in my day and age," Noir said, and he put the car in reverse and backed into the curb. It took him a while to get used to it, but eventually, Noir successfully handed the keys over to Peni and let her drive.

"Let's review the plan," Noir said before they got out of the parking lot. "You said earlier we're going to the beach?"

"The Long Island beach, yeah," Peni said. "Don't worry about Miles and the others, we'll be back in time to meet up tomorrow."

"That's not what I'm worried about…" Noir frowned under his mask. "It's winter."

Peni snorted. "The beach is the beach! It's always fun! I go to the beach all the time in winter, and it's fine!"

"I think your New York of the future is a little warmer," Ham commented.

"It's  _ fine. _ Can I drive now?"

"You have your license, right?"

Peni ignored him and pulled out of the parking lot. Noir sighed and decided not to press the issue.

Ham bounced in his seat. "Alright! Road trip!"

"We're not leaving the state," Noir said.

"So? It's still a…" Ham leaned forward to check the GPS. "…two hour drive! How about we play some car games? How many different states do you think we can spot on license plates?"

"There's Connecticut!" Peni shouted, stretching up to point at it and leaning on the horn. They all jumped at the sound. The car beside them honked back.

"How about we focus on driving," Noir said.

"You got it, pops," Ham said.

"You're older than me."

"Do we all know how to play twenty questions?"

* * *

They drove the car for some forty miles before Noir got hungry and Ham mentioned he hadn't had anything to drink all day. "Stay hydrated, kids!"

"Does anyone need to pee?" Peni said as they drove into the fast food lot. "Otherwise, I'm getting drive through."

They got drive through. The person over the speaker suggested their new bacon fries, which the three politely declined. At the window, Peni realized she couldn't pay with her card, since her bank account didn't exist in this dimension, and Noir and Ham dug a couple of bulls out of their pockets to cover the cost.

"Huh," said the employee, looking at the five Noir gave her. "This looks pretty old."

"Sure is," said Noir.

"I think I need to ask my manager if we accept these."

Peni snatched the food and drove away without collecting the change.

Ham popped up from the floor and re-buckled his seatbelt. "Good job, team," he said. "That wasn't suspicious at all!"

"It's fine," Peni said. "In a few days, we'll be out of this dimension, and whatever happens won't be our problem.

"Let's try not to make any unnecessary problems," Noir said.

A driver cut them off just as Peni tried to turn. She slammed the horn and made a rude gesture Noir hoped the other driver couldn't see. "Jerk!" she shouted. "I had the right of way!"

The GPS said they had an hour left. Noir hoped they could last that long.

* * *

The beach was, predictably, cold. Peni stood on the sand with her hands on her hips and stared out at the ocean.

"Look on the bright side," Ham said. "'Least there's no snow!"

"We could get something to eat," Noir suggested. "I'm sure one of these places isn't closed for the season."

Peni finally spoke. "This is colder than I thought," she said. "Let's go somewhere else."

Noir and Ham had no complaints, so they walked back to the car. As they approached, Noir noticed a group of colorful characters standing around it. They were awfully familiar, and, unfortunately, the two groups had spotted each other.

Noir looked down at Peni and Ham. "Who did you two steal the car from?" he asked.

"How did you know we stole the car?!" Ham yelped.

Peni took the keys out of her pocket and examined them. "Oh, there's a name on them… uh oh."

"Excuse me," said Dr. Olivia Octavius, "but how did my car get all the way out here?"

Kingpin's three goons had clearly come for a fight. Doc Ock was dressed in her tentacle suit, and Scorpion, well, with his elaborate mechanical limbs, it was hard to imagine he was here for a pleasant chat. Tombstone cracked knuckles and grinned at them. Noir nodded to Peni and stepped in front of her and Ham.

"Alright," he said gruffly, raising his fists. "If it's a fight you want, come and get it."

"Yeah!" Peni yelled, jumping out from behind him having clearly misinterpreted his nod. Noir frantically shook his head, but she ignored him

"Three against three is hardly a fair fight," Ham added. "For you, I mean."

"Fellas," Noir said, and didn't get any farther before Peni threw Ham directly into Doc Ock's face.

Scorpion lunged forward. Peni dug in her pocket and tossed a handful of tiny, intricate robots at him – Noir heard the clatter and they skittered onto the metal parts of his body. Scorpion kept charging towards Peni, and Noir feared the worst, up until Peni pointed her remote at him and all his joints seized, the momentum sending him tumbling forward and crashing at Peni's feet.

Watching Ham pull Doc Ock's hair, Noir determined that his friends had their situations under control.

Then Tombstone punched him in the face.

Noir staggered back, recovered, and threw a punch in return. Tombstone dodged it and took a step back. For a few moments they traded punches back and forth, most doing no real damage, until Noir spiced it up with a roundhouse kick to the gut.

Doc Ock shouted, "Get off of me, you dumb animal!" and finally pried Ham out of her hair, throwing him to the ground. Ham bounced back up and hit her in the face.

"That's rude," Peni said casually, sitting just out of reach of Scorpion's flailing arms while his mechanical body remained locked in place. "For an animal, Ham's pretty smart."

Doc Ock rubbed her nose and grabbed Ham in one of her tentacles. "You're right," she said. "There certainly isn't anything of his kind in this dimension. I let my temper get the better of me."

"Little help?" Ham squeaked.

Peni jumped to her feet, just as Scorpion's metal joints clenched together with a series of sickening  _ crunch _ es. Peni dodged his attempt to grab her and ran towards Doc Ock's car.

"Hey!" Doc Ock yelled. Her grip on Ham tightened. "Don't you dare –"

Just as Peni got in the car, Scorpion jumped on top of it and shattered the windshield. Noir shoved Tombstone away and ran towards them. The car's engine revved and it shot forward, slamming Scorpion into a telephone pole.

Noir pulled open the driver's door. The airbag had gone off and Peni looked rattled, but she gave him a thumbs up.

"C'mon," Noir said, hoisting her up on his shoulder. "I think it's time we skedaddled."

While Doc Ock was distracted by her smashed car, Ham managed to wiggle free of her tentacle and hit the ground running. Noir made sure he had a good hold on Peni and followed him as fast as he could manage.

* * *

"You sure no one's gonna be freaked out by me" Ham asked.

"At two AM in a twenty-four hour diner?" Peni shrugged. "Maybe it's different here, but in my universe, all the waiters would be too tired to care."

Noir tried to order eggcreams, but the waitress didn't know what he was talking about. He got hot chocolate instead.

Peni put down her phone. "There's a bus station within walking distance," she said, "but we'll have to wait until morning for the first bus to leave. Six AM, ish."

"Let's just hope they don't kick us out before then," said Ham. He slammed his fists on the table. "Samantha! Another order of pancakes!"

"Okay, talking dog," said the waitress, whose nametag read "Abigail."

Noir glanced at her as she walked away, then leaned towards Peni and Ham. "Fellas, we don't have any money left," he said. "How were we planning to pay for this and the bus tickets?"

"I'm pretty sure we're just going to eat and run," Peni said in an all-too casual tone. "Or we could print fake money."

"She called me a dog," Ham said. "Just get me some green construction paper. She won't be able to tell the difference."

"Excuse me, is this seat taken?"

By the time Noir looked up at who had spoken, Dr. Olivia Octavius was already sliding in beside him, dressed in her civilian garb. "No hard feelings about earlier," she said. "It wasn't my favorite car."

"You have enough cars to have a favorite?" Ham said.

"Why are you here?" Peni said. "We're not exactly on good terms."

Liv smiled and pushed her glasses further up her face. "Don't worry," she said, "I'm off the clock now. If I'm not being paid, I don't care about my boss' opinions of spider-people. What I do find interesting, however, is how you've managed to stay in this dimension without glitching."

"Oh," Ham said. "That's easy! We're just that cool."

Liv ignored him and took out a notepad. "I'd like to ask you some questions," she said.

Noir shook his head. "My advice to you, lady, is to get lost and –"

"She's unarmed," Peni said suddenly. "I think we can answer her questions, on one condition."

"Of course!" Liv said. "What do you need?"

"Pay for our food."

Noir still had doubts, but then again, it wouldn't be fair to the employees if they left without paying. "Alright," he said. "What do you want to know?"

* * *

Ham made a point to order an excessive amount of food while Peni answered Liv's questions. "We recalibrated our atomic signature," she said. "Normally it's a slow process, but I used a scanner to take most of our atoms and match them to this dimension's signature. Turns out, you don't need to match them all, just a two-thirds majority, and they'll compensate for the rest."

"Are you sure?" Liv asked. "I'm surprised – you're not showing any signs of glitching, and you're telling me only two-thirds of your atoms are calibrated?"

Peni poured half a container of syrup on her pancakes. "Most things resist glitching," she said, "which is why, even when your atoms aren't calibrated, we're not glitching constantly. For example, it's rare for inanimate objects to glitch, but living things are much more complicated. I'm not a biologist, so I can't explain exactly why it happens, but the clothes on your body only glitch because your body glitches."

"Then why doesn't that one-third cause the rest of your body to degenerate?"

"We haven't done long-scale testing yet. It's possible that they would degenerate over time, but they also heal remarkably fast. Just to be safe, we don't stay outside of our home dimensions for longer than a week."

"Are the buffalo wings made out of real buffalo?" Ham asked the waitress.

"I think we're ready for the check," Noir said.

Liv blinked. "Already?" she said as the waitress walked away. "I don't have enough information – how does your scanner work? What does the recalibration process feel like? Is it painful? How painful?"

"Here," Peni said, "I'll show you how the jump works."

"What?" said Noir.

Peni took out her remote. "This is just a temporary jump," she said, pointing it at him. "I'll bring you back in a moment."

"Hang on," Noir said. "Do I get any say in this?"

She winked. "Nope!  _ Sayonara! _ "

Peni pressed a button, and the three of them disappeared, leaving Liv alone at the table. She held her notepad and pen for a few moments, then threw them on the table and swore loudly. The waitress came back and handed her the check.

* * *

"The downside," Peni said, sitting on her desk, "is that Miles is going to be disappointed we left without saying goodbye. You two ready to go back home?"

"Sure," Noir said. "Though I've gotta say… you sure giving Doc Ock that information was a good idea?"

"Oh, I made everything up. We don't glitch because there's a permanent, stable portal between all of our dimensions; as long as that remains open, we're fine." Peni shrugged. "Sorry the beach didn't work out."

"Eh," Ham said, "we can try again some other time. I think we should head on back."

Noir nodded. "See you in two weeks?"

"Sure," Peni said. "I'll let the others know. See you then!"

She pointed the remote at them, and the two disappeared to their own dimensions. Peni yawned. "I'll go to bed in a minute," she said to her spider. "Just need to work on a few upgrades…"


End file.
